I recently ran 50 miles for the time at the Antelope Canyon UltraMarathon. It was an amazing accomplishment and I am immensely proud of myself. As I reflect on this latest accomplish, I can’t help but turn back time to the first time I ran 4 miles where the dreams of being a long distance runner all began.
I was living in Clarksville, TN and I had been going out for 2-3 mile runs pretty regularly. The moment I decided I wanted to start going longer, the idea of going farther than 3 miles was daunting and terrifying. But I wouldn’t be deterred and I went out for one of my regular 3 mile routes. When I got back to the beginning, I shot down a different road to add another mile. I felt determined.
As I turned down the road, two old ladies walking their Pekingese were coming straight at me. I swerved and ducked around them and the yappy little dog. They called out, “Great job, how far are you running?”
I sang back, “I’m going on my fourth mile!! Can you believe it?”
These ladies didn’t know me from Eve. There was no reference for them to either believe or not believe that I was capable of this monumental feat. But I wasn’t speaking to them, was I? I was telling myself, proud and out loud, to make sure that I knew, beyond a doubt, that I was capable of such a feat. That fourth mile was a door that I busted open to greater possibilities.
The significance of this moment rises to the ranks of my wedding day, the birth of my children, and completing a 50 mile race.
At that time, 4 miles was epic, almost beyond comprehension. Today, 4 miles is as easy as walking to the mailbox. I have to push myself to new heights and new challenges to get that same sense of pride and accomplishment. But as I conquer new feats, I am grounded in the understanding that it all began with a single step and the courage to conquer a fear.
The courage to put on running shoes and step out for the time – I was terrified I couldn’t do it, but I did it anyway.
The courage to go to a running store to purchase running shoes – I was terrified they would laugh at the newbie, but I did it anyway.
The courage to register for a race – I was terrified I would be a laughingstock, but I did it anyway.
The courage to show up for a group run with strangers – I was terrified no one would talk to me or run with me and that I wouldn’t be able to keep up, but I did it anyway.
Each time I had the courage to overcome a fear has brought me one step closer to where I am today. And it gives me the foundation to know that each time I face a new fear I have within me the courage to do it anyway.
Gary “Laz” Cantrell, infamous Barkley Marathons race director said, “If you are going to face a real challenge, it has to be a real challenge. You can’t possibly accomplish anything without the possibility of failure”.
Once upon a time, I took a risk to give running a try knowing that I could fail. Today it is longer and longer runs, running with stronger and stronger runners and most recently going to the gym to do strength training – but I seek out those things that scare me, the places I am vulnerable and try them anyways. Through these actions, I have proven to myself I am stronger than my fears, stronger than my depression, stronger that I realized. I surprise myself time and again and my goal is to keep surprising myself for a long time to come.
What are you afraid of doing for fear of failure? Whatever your answer…..put that at the top of your to-do list! The journey continues…..
FAIR WARNING _ THIS IS A LONG ONE!!! But I didn’t have the heart to break it into two parts. It just couldn’t be done.
On February 24, 2018, I woke up in Page, Arizona to freezing cold temperatures.
I desperately wanted to stay in my sleeping bag and skip the race. I wanted some excuse…a broken leg maybe…..that would allow me to graciously step down from this commitment I had made. I wracked my brain for that excuse and came up short. I knew that I needed to face my fears.
Putting on a brave face, I dressed within the confines of the sleeping bag that was my only warmth the night before, and stepped outside to toe the starting line of the Antelope Canyon 50 mile Ultra Endurance Run.
At the end of each year, I like to reflect on what the last year brought into my life. Much like a daily gratitude journal, a yearly reflection allows me to assess how far I have (or have not) come. Before I look forward to the next year, I take account of my lessons learned.
2017 brought much into my life. I proved to myself that I am a capable endurance runner and much braver than I thought. I tackled trails all alone that would have scared me in years gone by. Kenny’s and my relationship grew to a whole new level of wonderfulness. I was given the opportunity for a temporary promotion which I feel I tackled successfully.
On a rougher note, our boys had a difficult year in a few ways. By association as parents, we did too. And juggling Kenny’s return to school was a tough transition for the family. But through these experiences, we grew to be an even closer family.
While in a few ways, 2017 was one of the most difficult years of my life, in others, it was a year of tremendous growth, love, learning, and adventure.
Learning from the past is critical to plan better for the future.
Looking ahead to 2018, I do not care for New Year’s Resolutions. Like many, I do not see value in making a promise that is destined to be short-lived. Resolutions like, “I will never eat another piece of candy again” are bound to fail! Instead, I prefer to use any new beginning as a chance to determine how I would like to grow and commit to focusing on those actions next. This happens at various times throughout the year, but after the winter holidays, and with the returning of the warming energizing power of the Sun, the New Year is a fitting time to re-examine my focuses and commit to them out loud.
As I step into 2018, I have established three areas of focus for my life:
Intimacy in My Most Important Relationship
I cuddle with my kids. I share meals and stories with friends. At times, I spend more time with co-workers than I do my spouse. But oh sweet intimacy, only my best friend/partner/spouse receives that. I divulge thoughts and feelings I would not share with anyone else. I give my physical being to my spouse. I trust him with every bit of my vulnerability. Yet despite the importance of intimacy in setting this relationship apart from all the others in my life, it is easily lost in the daily chaos. For 2018, I would like to focus on making intimacy in my marriage a higher priority.
Getting my Children Outdoors More Often
My boys are pretty active. They jump on the trampoline every day, play on their swing set, love bike rides and swimming. Inevitably however, they get overly excited about playing on their tablets or wanting to find “easy” entertainment. Yet, whenever we venture into the great outdoors, they always find joy in it. Getting dirty is good for the body, mind, and soul and while I do it regularly for myself, I don’t drag my kids along often enough. For 2018, I would like to focus on getting my boys into the great outdoors more often. Camping, hiking, swimming in lakes and rivers, kayaking, paddle-boarding, mountain biking….anything that leads to fresh air, dirty feet, and a joyful heart.
Running with Women Who Are Stronger and Faster than Me
I love the times when I have runners who join me to push themselves. I find great joy in helping other women find their next level. But when I am destined to be the slower runner, I get nervous, anxious, fearful. What will they think of me? Will they assume that I am a terrible person because I can’t run as fast as them? What if they never want to run with me again or even be my friend? HAHA….It is just ludicrous the ideas that go through my head when vulnerability knocks down the door. Yet, the times I have overcome my fear, I have found great pride in myself at pushing to a next level. For 2018, I would like to focus on allowing myself to be vulnerable and dare to chase that next level of accomplishment.
Setting focuses for the year remind me of the intention I like to set before a run or yoga class. There are always areas I want to improve in my life and if I try to do them all at once, I will fail at everything. Breaking down my goals into smaller focuses will give me a chance to make some real progress towards the woman I want to become while not losing the beautiful parts of who I already am.
Running is a powerful tool in coping with depression and really just life in general. The physical activity relieves stress while releasing endorphins that elevate the mood. Many of the runs I do have the sole purpose of giving me release from the chains of depression.
Runs all need a purpose. Some days it is a cure-all for emotional distress. Other days it is pushing for a new personal record. And at other times it is also a chance to seek out new adventures.
What happens when a run lacks purpose? Most runs that lack purpose feel flat and unfulfilling. You naturally fall back into habits and the full benefit of that run gets lost. On the other hand, giving a run purpose provides a foundation for the movement in that run and helps you focus expectations.
How do you set purpose for a run?
Begin by planning ahead. Having a training plan that identifies each run and its purpose ahead of time helps set the stage long before you lace up your shoes.
For each run decide what conditions you need to fulfill that purpose. For example, if I am doing a tempo run, I like to get some faster friends along for the ride to help me push the pace. Make arrangements to have those conditions met.
The night before set the stage for execution. Is the intention of your run to socialize with friends after work? Then be sure to pack clothes so you don’t have to come home after work, but rather can go straight to your meet-up.
At the beginning of each run, silently or out loud, set an intention. Tell yourself, “On Today’s run I want to……” Use this intention to set the expectation for the run and let all other expectations go. If your intention is to use the run as a recovery run, that is the intention. Do not expect to set a new personal record on Strava that day and be okay with that because running fast is not the intention for that days run.
Don’t be afraid to adjust your purpose if you need to for that day. You may have an endurance run planned, but just need to get anger and frustration out so you can be present for your family. Do it. Maybe you are tired from a long week and just need an easy run or have missed a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Change your purpose to get what you need in your life.
What are some examples of purposes for a run? We often think of the purely physical purposes….tempo run, fartlek run, long run, and so on. But for the majority of us, there are far greater and more important reasons to run than just getting faster or running longer.
Here are some of the intentions I choose to set before a run:
Social interaction – spending time with friends and deepening relationships
Good for the soul – spending time in nature and reconnecting with my inner self
Adventure – seeing and exploring new places
Stress Relief – pounding out anger from a hard and frustrating day
Recovery – moving my muscles in an easy way to stimulate recovery from hard efforts
Building Speed – shorter bursts of faster speed to build speed for longer runs
Building Endurance – long miles in an aerobic zone to build the bodies endurance
Picking the purpose of your run helps you be ever mindful of what you are seeking to get out of your running. If you give running the chance, it will deliver far more than physical fitness. It will deliver some of the strongest friendships, the best mental health medicine, ability to deal with conflict and challenging events in life, and so much more.
What are some other intentions you have set for a run? How do you give your run purpose?
Build longevity, embrace the delicate within and let the journey continue…..
This post has taken me several months to write mostly because there is so much information to digest and I am having a hard time determining how to form my thoughts. I wrote a draft about what ChiRunning is and how it helps prevent injury, but it just didn’t feel right. So I shelved it and thought about it some more.
Then it occurred to me. What matters the most in my world is how ChiRunning has helped my depression.
It started in April when I attended my first ChiRunning clinic with Lisa Pozzoni of The Running University. Then picked up momentum when I took Kenny to a ChiRunning clinic for our anniversary. Pause…what is ChiRunning you say?
ChiRunning is a form of running that integrates principles of TaiChi. This unique approach results in running naturally and injury free. The mission of ChiRunning is to help people “Love Running Forever”. You can learn more about how to practice ChiRunning by checking out the various books and videos here, or better yet take a workshop from a local certified instructor.
As you learn about ChiRunning and practice, you will find that there are common issues that most runners have to some degree.
Heel Striking – Leading with the legs rather than upper body results in landing on the heels, essentially putting on the breaks with every running step. Not only does this slow a runner down, it also sends a jarring impact up the leg. Shortening the stride and landing with the feet underneath the body prevents this jarring impact.
Low Cadence – Ideal cadence is 170-180 steps per minutes yet most people run closer to 160 or 165 steps per minute. This causes a runner’s feet to stay on the ground too long. The longer the feet are on the ground the more energy goes into getting it back off the ground rather than forward motion.
Arm Swing – Arms should act as a pendulum and swing forward and backward with a 90 degree angle at the elbow. Many runners however twist back and forth from the shoulders, wasting energy in the side to side motion. Not only does this take energy away from forward momentum, it can lead to tension in the neck and shoulders.
ChiRunning provides solutions to these common issues which helps eliminate and prevent injuries. It also teaches a runner how to listen to the body and connect with the energy within. As I have deepened my ChiRunning practice I have addressed these issues in myself. And as it begins to feel more and more natural, I have started to feel a flow to my running that is quite beautiful. It is within this flow that ChiRunning has become a powerful tool in my arsenal when battling my depression.
THREE MAJOR WAYS CHIRUNNING HELPS MY DEPRESSION:
Deeper Connection With My Body – Chi Running teaches Body Sensing as a technique to check-in with the body and assess form. As I have been practicing Body Sensing, I have become more in tune with how my body is feeling. At first, I was worried that body sensing would cause me to get so wrapped up in my discomfort that my running would no longer be enjoyable. What I have found instead is that when I identify discomfort, I can adjust my form to alleviate it. More often than not, I am finding that I am identifying strengths I didn’t always realize I had. Rather than thoughts of, “My legs are so tired” or “my breathing is so labored”, I catch myself thinking, “I feel strong and powerful” and “I feel like I am floating over the ground”. The more frequently I talk positively to myself the easier it is to allow depressive thoughts to flow past and pull myself back to a positive place.
Flowing Energy – Much of ChiRunning is about body alignment and smooth flowing movement. Visualize a needle stuck through cotton. The core of the body is the needle, strong and firm and tall. Rather than getting stuck within inefficient motions, the body flows around this needle, gently along for the ride. On an energetic level, blockages to free flowing energy can cause ailments of the body and mind, while free flowing energy can alleviate them. My depression is easier to manage when energy is moving freely throughout my body.
Consistency – One of the main objectives of ChiRunning is to run injury free. One of the greatest medicines for my depression is running. Running injury free allows me to be able to run consistently, allowing for that daily dose of medicine that I so desperately need. I have learned that 5 days a week is necessary for my mental well-being. Injuries lead to missed runs which leads to withdraw which leads to long hours in bed on the verge of tears. ChiRunning is like an insurance policy against missed days.
Running has saved me from despair on many occasions. ChiRunning has strengthened my running and by association, strengthened my ability to battle depression. With running, and specifically ChiRunning, the journey continues……
5 o’clock AM – The sun is barely rising on the horizon, light gently spilling into my bedroom as I wake for the day. My phone chimes – a text from Kenny. The night before he camped at McDowell Mountain, preparing himself for a weekend to remember. He is letting me know is ready to go and I wish him luck before he heads off to the start line.
6 o’clock AM – Packing up my camping gear, my thoughts are with Kenny as he takes his first steps onto the race course.
Today is the day of the Javalina Jundred, a 100 mile footrace and Jalloween (aka Halloween) Party in the desert. His goal is to run under 24 hours, widely considered to be the gold standard time for completing a 100 mile distance. Think Boston Qualifier. He has been training for this race through the long hot summer months of Phoenix. His legs are strong and his mind is stronger. I have so much confidence that he is going to dominate today.
The boys and I and two amazingly committed, or crazy, friends load up our gear and head out to support him. We are all looking forward to a weekend of hanging out in the desert, though I am quiet with anticipation thinking about how Kenny is doing on his first loop.
Javelina Jundred is run at McDowell Mountain north of Phoenix. It is a beautiful park with smooth easily runnable trails. And while this sounds like the flat runnable trails would make the race easier, it means more running which is exhausting for the legs. A mountainous 100 miler gives different muscles a chance to rest as you climb up, go down, run flat. Further, this course has zero shade….literally. With the hot baking desert sun relentlessly beating down on your skin, even a mild 85 degree day feels scorching. Temperatures have been known to climb well over 100 during this race.
This course is run in 5 loops. The first loop is the longest at 22.3 miles long. Kenny is planning to run it in roughly 4 hours giving us just enough time to get there and prepare to meet him. Upon arrival at the park, I load up the wagon with Tailwind, hummus wraps, change of clothes, water, Nuun, shoes, sock, a chair, an umbrella and more. It feels quite a lot like that first trip out to the grocery store with a new born baby.
9:30 AM – We head to the start/finish area where we will meet Kenny. Keegan and Quinlan run around, playing, getting dirty. As the minutes creep by, I get quieter and more focused, hoping any moment to see Kenny come around the bend.
10:15 AM – At last we see him, 4 hours and 15 minutes after the race started. 22.3 miles down and he is on schedule. Bad news though. He looks terrible, dragging and down trodden. I lower him into a chair and Quinlan holds up an umbrella for shade, a precious commodity today. My job is to diagnose any and all of his needs and in his condition he isn’t the most cooperative patient because even he isn’t sure.
He is nauseous but describes it more in the chest, not the gut. He tries to throw up and he doesn’t get any food out. He does gets a big gas bubble and feels slightly better. Later we will figure out that with the dry air and difficulty chewing, he is swallowing a lot of air. I patch him up the best I can and send him back on his way. It will be 19.5 miles until I see him again. With him feeling this poorly so early in the race, I am getting nervous. But I know that if we can keep his spirits up, he is going to be just fine.
If there is anything Kenny is capable of, it is pushing through physical distress and staying strong mentally. For many runners, hitting a problem 6 miles into a 100 mile race could spell disaster, but not for Kenny. I am concerned for him, but have faith he will soldier on.
11 o’clock AM – I head back to the campsite and spend some time playing with the boys, chatting with Kristie and Kim, and hoping for the best. Javelina Jundred is a notorious event. Sporting prizes for things like “Best Costume” and “Best Ass”, runners pull out all the stops making it an entertaining time. As we sit enjoying the day, Kim jumps excitedly out of her chair and makes sweeping gestures to the race course. “Come on, come on, you have to see this!”
In true Javelina fashion, a runner comes through wearing a bright red thong. We gawk at his dedication and are so in awe of his tenacity, and his ass, that we fail to notice that he is wearing arm sleeves, and a water pack. Trust me, you would fail to notice it too.
3 o’clock PM – Four more hours pass and we head back to the start/finish. There is no way for us to track Kenny’s progress with the exception of one aid station half way. Based on that time, we think he might still be on pace. This fact gives me hope that he is doing better. Four and a half hours after we saw him the first time, he comes rolling through again….in MUCH better spirits. 40 miles in and he is feeling pretty good. He tells me his legs are dead, but I remind him “You don’t need your legs.” Folks, this is the mindset of a ultrarunner. You don’t need your legs to run the rest of those miles. You need your mind and his is strong.
He has doctored up his clothes to deal with the heat and it is working well. We don’t need to spend much time with him this go around. We get him patched up and back on the course. I am still confident he can hit his sub-24 hour goal.
He anticipated his third leg to be slower. It is 40 miles into the race, he is getting tired but doesn’t yet have a pacer to keep him company. In 100 mile distances, runners can pick up a pacer at certain points to keep them company and to watch out for their well-being. He will be picking up a pacer when he heads out on his fourth loop so he has another five hours or so on his own.
5 o’clock PM – The next hours are uneventful. The boys enjoy a burping contest, some wood-fired pizza, hot chocolate by a campfire and giant connect four. I enjoy relaxing and being in my favorite place in the world, out in nature with family, friends, and lots of crazy runners. We settle the boys in for bed and then head back to the start/finish area to wait again for Kenny. It is dark now, rapidly cooling off and the fatigue is setting in for us as we desire to get some sleep. Kenny’s fatigue is no doubt tremendous and picking up a pacer for his next loop will definitely breath some life into him.
9 o’clock PM – When we see him for the third time he is still looking good. He jokes with us and celebrates an Ohio State win over Penn State. We execute our now perfectly organized routine, changing shoes and socks, refilling supplies in his pack and making sure he has all he needs to set back out. Chrissie heads out with him to pace his next 20 miles. She is the perfect pacer for him at this point – high energy, enthusiastic, talented, and overall just fabulous company. I can head to get a few hours of sleep knowing he is in great hands.
11 o’clock PM – I climb into bed with the boys and despite my exhaustion I have trouble falling asleep. Ultras are so inspiring and exciting and I lay awake dreaming of the next one I get to run. At last, sleep consumes me and I rest peacefully for a few hours.
Sunday October 29, 2017
2 o’clock AM – Too soon however, the alarm goes off, signaling our need to head back out to greet Kenny one last time. We trudge back to the start/finish. We have arranged for another runner to run the last loop with him. I meet Josh for the first time and thank him for being willing to run with Kenny. This is another amazing aspect of ultrarunning. The community support is so incredible. Where else in the world will you find a complete stranger willing to run 20 miles with someone they don’t know, through the desert, in the middle of the night, especially when the runner they are helping is probably horribly cranky and tired by this point? I LOVE THIS SPORT!
3:30 AM – It is another hour and a half until Kenny comes in. His fourth loop was way slower than his previous loops. Up until this point, his goal of sub-24 was still a possibility, though he would have had to push hard for it. Now, it was a lost dream. We moved onto his B Goal to beat his 100 mile time at Mohican 100 last summer. And that goal was still well within reach.
9 o’clock AM – The camper is broken down, we are packed up and ready to head home. The only thing we are missing is our runner. At 8:29 am, Josh had texted me letting me know they had passed through Rattlesnake Aid Station, 4 miles from the finish. His message said, “He’s moving really good now.” I knew it wouldn’t be long before he showed his happy face.
9:05 AM – He arrives, ripping off his water pack, his shirt, and sporting the biggest smile a face can hold. It is a quarter mile to the actual finish line and he bolts off, moving like he just rolled out of bed, not like he had just run 100 miles. The boys greet him about 100 yards from the finish and Keegan grabs for his hand as he runs the last fews steps with his dad.
9:07 AM – He completes the Javelina Jundred in 27 hours 9 minutes and 32 seconds, a new Personal Record.
Tears are in my eyes watching his complete his goal, watching him prove to our kids yet again that a person can do anything if he puts his mind to it, watching him filled with such joy.
Over the next several days we have spent a lot of time picking apart the race, reflecting on what worked and what did, reliving the challenges and the excitement. Kenny’s unfailing confidence – if he puts his mind to something, he will prevail – is a trait I aspire to embrace and grow in myself. I doubt myself ceaselessly, but his example is a powerful reminder in the strength of a positive attitude and of faith.
Congratulations Kenny Fife. Can’t wait for the next go around.
A woman woke this morning, laced up her running shoes and headed out the door. It is a routine that I myself do almost daily and it is the very thing that keeps my depression at bay and that helps me be the best person that I can be. I am a better mother, wife, and woman because of this routine.
Thousands of women do this same routine, rising before the family to get in the very activity that sets them free. For one Ahwatukee woman, when she stepped out the door this morning, she would never go home again.
I spent the day mourning the death of Martha Hilts of Ahwatukee. I have never met her, but I have shared the same streets, run the same roads. Several women in my running club set out for a run on in the exact same place only 30 minutes after the tragedy struck. How easily it could have been one of them. How easily it could have been me.
As I share my grief with my friends who are dealing with similar surreal feelings, I see us thinking of all the “what ifs?” This reaction leaves us afraid to leave home, afraid to run the same roads we are used to running, afraid that next time it will be our kids that will be left with broken hearts.
My depression, that little devil that whispers so smoothly into my ear, convincing me of its lies, wants me to give into that fear. But running has helped me grow stronger than my depression and each moment is worth living because each moment is all we have. There is no guarantee for the future and it is up to each of us to make each day count. I will not let fear or depression take control of my life.
So while I can’t control what happens around me, I can take steps to make my running experience safer.
Running Safety Tips
Use Headphones Wisely – It is common to hear, “Don’t run with headphones” saying no headphones and expecting running to follow that advice is like teaching a teenager only about abstinence. Many choose to ignore that advice. So I say use headphones wisely – keep the volume low so you can hear sounds around you at all times, run with only one ear bud in, or choose a pair of bone conducting headphones like the Trekz Titanium so you can always hear your surroundings.
Run Against Traffic – This will allow you to see what is coming, how the car is being driven, and so on. Is the car swerving or driving right on the line? That’s a good indication to get as far off the road as possible.
Wear High Visibility Gear – Reflective vests, headlamps, blinking lights. If it is dark out, make sure that you can be seen.
Stay Alert and Vigilant – Even with high visibility gear, always assume that you haven’t been seen. Even though the law gives the right of way to pedestrians, this doesn’t matter if you lose the battle with a car. Chances are very much in favor of the 1200 pound metal box.
Make Eye Contact – If you are crossing the street or a drive, make eye contact with the driver before crossing in front of the car. Drivers, especially ones who aren’t active themselves, don’t always think to look for pedestrians. Don’t assume they see you.
Wear or Carry Identification – If something does happen, identification will allow responders to get in contact with your family, identify medical history, and know how to best take care of you. RoadID.com carries a lot of great wearables, but sticking your license in your pocket works just as well.
Run with Friends or a Dog – While it may not keep you safe from a car, running with friends or a dog can keep you safe from other people or wildlife. Both are less likely to attack if you travel in pairs or multiples.
Trust Your Spidey Senses – If you see someone out and you get a feeling of unease, go a different way, cross the street (carefully) or turn around. In most cases, the odds are that person or situation is probably not a big deal, but don’t take that chance if your gut is telling you otherwise.
Make Your Plans Known to the Right People – Don’t broadcast your running route on social media, but let a family member or friend know where you are going and when you expect to be home. Someone needs to know where to look for you should the worst happen.
Don’t Let Fear Stop You – It is easy to become paralyzed in the face of fear. Use your fear to arm you with wise safety tools, and then get out there anyway.
As our community recovers from this tragedy, a lot of us, though we did not know her, will be remembering Martha Hilts and her loved ones in the steps we run each and every day.
Call to Action: What do you do for safety? Comment below on other words of wisdom that you can share with others to keep us safe as we continue our running journeys.